Bittersweet feelings about holidays

This will be my first Christmas without either of my parents and that makes me very sad. Mom always did Christmas to the max! Tons of decorations, cookies, presents, lights everything. She always made platters of cookies to take to family friends and made wreaths herself as well. I have a million memories. I miss my parents so much it hurts. On the other hand I am excited to have Christmas. My sis is here as well as all hubby's family will be joining us. Plus Jett is old enough this year to enjoy Christmas and open gifts. I'm gonna make a big dinner like mom used to. Doing that on Christmas eve as well as a few presents, hot chocolate and all the good holiday stuff. Now that everything is finally ready is it christmas yet?

WOW!!

Tomorrow is Jett's big first birthday party... so much has happened since my last post. The biggest things being losing my dad in sept, going to SeaWorld for our first family vacation and now my little guy will be 1yr old on sunday!!!

Day 2

Well hubby left yesterday for the Police Academy. Its so quiet here without him. Little man woke up a lot last night too. Yesterday my sister and I took Jett to the lake for a walk and a picnic. It was nice. So today starts day 2. Hubby will be gone for 10 days straight then after that he will come home on weekends. I really hope he does good, I believe he will now he just needs to believe it.

Tomorrow...

One year ago tomorrow I got the worst phone call of my life. The call that my beautiful mother was losing her battle with melanoma. The call that told me that the doctors were saying she needed to make her wishes known. Tomorrow is going to be a mixed emotions day. 3 years ago tomorrow my hubby and I officially started dating. I'm nervous about this month..  I'm afraid I'm going to be emotional so much. Last year on the 5th I flew from Alabama to NY last minute so I could be with My mom, also the 5th is My sister's birthday. We spent a few days at the hospital with mom then went back to her house to get it ready for her to come home and be comfortable in whatever time she had left. About a week later she got her wings and became the Angel everyone always knew she was... this month is going to be a hard one...

So tired

I'm not sure what it is... stress maybe, but I'm tired so much. Jett is teething of course, his second tooth is just coming through. Also I'm in my second week of online school to get my bachelors in business administration. I'm still lookin for a job but it would help if our phones were on but that's money we just don't have. I just wanna go to sleep and wake up and have all this money stuff be a bad dream. I'm glad Jett doesn't have to worry about food or any of that. I still breastfeed some and wic buys formula and babyfood. We applied for foodstamps but now can't get an appt until the 13. And then I don't even know when we would get our actual benefits. It just all seems so unfair, the only money we have is on a Walmart gift card. In NY you were always able to get foodstamps that day if you had a real need... why can't they do that here? Ugh!!! Jett has learned to pull himself up and how to move around real well in his walker so now he's into everything

Don't Fry Day

Don't Fry Day

Friday is my birthday and now its also national don't fry day. So please check out the site and learn more about skin cancer, melanoma, and how to prevent them

Silver boobies

Well Jett turned 6 months old yesterday. He was born late at night so I didn't get to feed him til the next day so today I earned my silver booby award... he is up to half formula half breastmilk in his sippy cups but I still nurse him at night and twice during the day. But It's going ok. At least I know I have gotten him through 6 months. I feel accomplished with that at least

No such luck

And of course I was hopeful about the babysitter job and I just got a message today that they decided to use a day care instead. :( would have been the perfect job... sigh

Jobs

Well hubby and I had talked about me getting a job. I really didn't wanna have to leave Jett, with both of us working and watching Jett neither of us would get much sleep. But I found a listing for a babysitter job here in town. I applied and heard back today. So hopefully I will get that job. It's Monday thru Thursday,  pays 75-100 a week and I can bring Jett. I meet the family this afternoon so wish me luck. :)

Another day

Well not a lot has changed.  Hubby is still studying for the asvab and has been running 2 miles almost every day to get in shape. Jett went thru a couple days of extreme fussing and I wanted to pull my hair out but he's back to his usual self now. The only good thing about those fussy days is I got him to nap long enough for hubby and I to have a little us time. Today Jett and I are going to visit some friends. We may take an attempt at swimming. Just hope it doesn't rain or we won't be going anywhere.

My first mother's day

Today is boring but bittersweet. It is my first mother's day as a mom but also my first without my mom. My hubby came home with a nice card and some candy this morning. Other than that I've just been doing the usual. I also made the hard decision today to start weaning Jett onto formula. I've breastfed up til now. I still plantmm him having breastmilk mixed with formula and to nurse at night until he's 6 months old... gotta earn my silver booby award since I'm so close. But I am slowly weaning. I just feel like its taken over my life. I have a whole drawer full of shirts I can't wear because I can't breastfeed in them, I can barely pump 3oz at a time so I think this switch will be good. It's just hard I've come so far just giving breastmilk. I'm trying to get Jett to nap. And of course he's fighting it. I'm also making taco soup for dinner... Yum

Down days

I hate down days. Today hubby was in a little bit of a mood. Not sure if it was just because of his back hurting or because of something I did or what.I'm hoping he feels better and we are better soon. Sigh. Plus I think this Mirena is causing me to have hot flashes, dizzy spells, and fatigue. It's not fun at all. :(

Changes

Well hubby and I have had a lot to overcome since Jett was born. Between becoming a mom and losing mine, I lost myself. I have become one of those women who only think like a mom and forget to think like a woman. So we have been working on that. Jett is doing ok in his crib. I just wish he would start sleeping longer instead of waking up so often. Hubby has also decided he needs to do more with his life. He's tired of dead end jobs that don't support our family. He has always felt a man should serve his country in one way or another and provide for his family. So he is working on joining the military.... leaning toward the marines... I never really pictured myself as a military wife, even tho I have been an army wife in the past, but this just feels right. He is studying a lot for the asvab so he can get the best score possible for him, and is getting excited. It makes me proud to see him so set on this and knowing his reasons. I love him so much, I'm starting to get excited as well.

5 months

I can't believe it... Jett turned 5 months old yesterday... where has the time gone? I am now attempting to get him sleeping in his crib instead of in bed with me. Tonight will be night number 2 of our transition. Hoping it goes smoothly...

Never say never

Wow so after always saying I'd never have kids and never get married again... I now have a son who will be 5 months old tomorrow and got married on march 31st. Also when I was pregnant I said I'd never co sleep or spoil my son... I emotionally spoil the heck outta my little frog and am just now thinking about switching him to his crib after 5 months of co sleeping. Life is just crazy like that I guess.

Stupid thrush!!

Took Jett to the doctor on the 31st after noticing white spots all over his mouth. Sure enough its thrush. My poor nipples are also sore from it. He's been on meds and I have cream for my nipples but he still has it. Called the pediatrician today and he is getting stronger medicine. I am so ready to have this thrush gone. My nipples are cracked and sore and poor Jett is uncomfortable and grumpy

Zoo trip

We took Jett to the zoo for the first time on Wednesday. It was a ton of fun. It was about an hour and a half drive, he slept most of the way. I had to feed him 3 times at the zoo but we kept getting interrupted since there was so much going on and he wanted to look around. But hey I breastfed in public so go me. We even got to feed the giraffe so he got to see one close up. After the last feeding while we were there he fell asleep while we were walking around. It was a good day and we got some good pics. :) just one of many fun trips to come as he grows

4 month appt

Jett's 4 month appt was Monday. He's a big boy. He weighs 21.4lbs and is 27in long. Doc said he looks good and will likely have a tooth come in within the next month or so. Also we talked about baby food and she was perfectly happy with the fact I had already started so 'ha' to everyone who always complains about me giving him food. Also he had his second round of shots. He did better with them and daddy was able to get him calmed down pretty good. He was super fussy that day and had a low fever the next. But he's back to himself again. Also he rolled over from his belly to his back Tuesday night I was so excited!! He's growing up too fast

Admitting depression

My fiance and I were talking the other day. Things have been really hard since Jett was born. We finally sat down and got everything out in the open. He said I haven't been the same since coming back from ny, I haven't been me. Well I got thinking about it and he's right. I haven't felt like me since July... since my mom died. I haven't wanted to do anything, I haven't been interested in anything I used to like... So it hits me... I'm depressed. Now we are working to get things back to the way they should be, and I am working to find myself again. I love my little man, he has been a security blanket for me since he was born. But I need to figure out how to be me again if I'm going to have any hope of teaching him. I've battled depression before so I know I can do it I just have to focus and push through, for me and my little family.

So much on my mind

Lately there is so much random stuff on my mind. I have been breastfeeding my little man for almost 4 months now and its gone great. Tho part of me wishes I had just pumped. Then again the other part of me loves the closeness it has made but now he won't take bottles and has horrible separation anxiety if I leave. I also think I need him so much because I miss my mom so much ... I'm just a bundle of emotions lately

Stupid growth spurt

I think.and hope we are finally over the 3 month growth spurt. Or close at least... he was better yesterday and slept better last night. I am enjoying the quiet tho he is starting to stir. I hope he's a happy baby today...

Mommy moments and growth spurts

Well little man seems to go through growth spurts every couple weeks. He eats more, sometimes sleeps less, sometimes more. I figure he just went through another since he wouldn't nap and kept fighting sleep, then a couple days all he did was eat and sleep. So yesterday I put him in his walker and his feet touch! A few days ago it was just toes. Sigh he's growing too fast. He is also starting to try to sit up by himself.
The other day I was hit with some profound what I call 'mommy moments'. I just look at him and feel so much love. I think of everything I want to show and teach him, all the places I want to take him... I just hope I can, I hope I have the time. I don't want to realize years down the road when he's all grown that we put off everything I wanted to do with him. Also I love it in the morning when he wakes up for the second time and looks around, sees me then smiles as big as can be... my heart melts every time.

emotional and exhausted

Being a stay at home mom with a high maintenance 2 1/2 month old is hard. Jett is one of those babies that seems to get board easy and wants to be held and played with all the time. Which makes cooking and housework near impossible. Sigh. On top of that he's had trouble sleeping lately. He cries and fights going to sleep then has bad dreams and wakes up crying. I don't know what to do...
On top of it all I'm starting to not feel so well. Watery eyes, tired, slightly stuffy nose, and pain in my stomach tho that's likely from the stupid birth control pills

my big baby... update on 2month appt and other tidbits

Little man is now 10weeks old. His appt didn't go too bad he weighed in at 17lbs 2oz and measured 24.5in long... he'a a BIG boy! He got 3 shots and a liquid one. I had to give him the liquid since I give him meds everyday so I'm the 'expert' as the nurse put it. He screamed so hard during the shots and held daddy's hand. I teared up of course. He calmed down pretty quick and I nursed him. Then he fell right asleep. We met a friend for lunch. He woke up a few times while we ate but just stared at the booth back. :( we gave him some tylenol later and he fussed a few times later but was pretty good overall. The pediatrician had also told us to give cereal in his bottle twice a day... ha! He won't even take a bottle since the last day I worked when he started refusing it and screamed for over an hour. So this should be interesting. Stanford's taxes came in so we have been getting a lot of stuff. I got Jett a bath chair which I can't wait to try out. Also we might look into cloth diapering and.some tips for homemade baby food later on. Now if only I could get the hang of cleaning with a baby in my arms lol

2 Months

Well it's been 2 months since I had my little man... well 9 weeks and 2 days to be exact. I returned to work last Thursday and leaving him was so hard. I know his daddy is taking care of him but it just feels so wierd to be away from him. His 2 month check-up is tomorrow morning and I am dreading him having to get his shots. I still can't believe I am a mom... I always said I would never have kids... Now I love my little man with all my heart and I couldn't imagine not having him. I still tear up with happiness when he smiles at me. On top of everything going on My Love and I are getting married this April. We have been together almost 3 years now. Our little family seems so complete... even though we are still trying to get a routine set.

crazy year

2010 was eventful to say the least. I had already been married and separated and in 2009 moved from ny to al. I already had my marriage experience and I have never wanted kids...
The year started out with me quitting my job after being threatened but thats no biggie
The first real big event happened on April 1st... I found out I was pregnant! yeah on April fools day... no one believed us. my parents and sis were here tho so they knew. My mom had recently found out her melanoma had returned... again. they were heading back to ny to her doctors. this would be mom's first blood grandbaby. later that month we find out I'm almost 12 weeks along already. mom's health continues to suffer and she starts a chemo pill, I'm getting bigger every day. In june we find out we will be having a boy. On july 4th I get a phone call... I need to go see my mom... the cancwe has spread despite rhe treatment. I fly out the next day. In less than 2 weeks my mom passed away leaving us heartbroken and wishing we had told her this or that...
I finally get my divorce... its final on Nov 19th... Jett Hiapo is born the next night at 11:01pm. he was 8lbs 4oz and 22.5inches long.
that is a short version of my year... it all seems to blur together into one big pile in my head...